


Just This Once

by thesherlockianwhjustcant



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Bisexual Dean, Bottom Castiel, Bottom Dean, Courtroom Drama, Creepy Alastair, Dean-Centric, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Lawyer Castiel, Lawyer Sam, Lawyer Sam Winchester, M/M, NSFW, Past Sexual Abuse, Pining, Porn With Plot, Sad Dean, Sassy Castiel, Sassy Dean, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Smut, Supportive Sam, Top Castiel, Top Dean, but it gets better, but lots of smut, like a lot, will add tags as I go along
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-20
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2018-08-16 04:35:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8087533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesherlockianwhjustcant/pseuds/thesherlockianwhjustcant
Summary: Dean isn't looking for anything romantic, not even a good lay, but when he has the chance to hook up with a myseterious young man with enticing blue eyes, he can't resist. He falls into bed with him, and they share a passionate night together. The sad part? He doesn't even know his name...





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, people! I felt like writing a bit of smut, so here ya have it! I haven't really decided if I am going to continue it yet or not, but I'm leaning towards continuing it. If you like it, be sure to let me know, and I'll be more likely to update. Hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Thanks for reading!!

The younger man pushed him against the door frame and claimed his mouth in a kiss. Dean willingly gave himself over to it, losing himself in the rushed, needy kiss. His mind stopped working. All he knew was the feel of the other man’s lips against his. The way their bodies pressed against one another, the way they swallowed each other’s gasps, the way their teeth collided. That was all he could think about. This raw, unadulterated passion  _ burning  _ between them.

The other man broke the kiss, panting. Dean smirked at the knowledge that he’d done that to him. There was a moment as Dean looked at him when he wondered if this was as far as they were going to go, but then, the other man shook his head and reached out for Dean once again. He wasted no time in unbuckling Dean’s jeans this time. Once they were done away with, he teased the edge of his boxers’ waistline. Dean’s breath caught, the other man’s feather-light touches driving him crazy. Sadly, though, that hand didn’t go any farther south for the time being. Instead, it traveled upwards, underneath his shirt to play with his nipples. He rolled one of them between two of his long, lithe fingers, and Dean groaned. He couldn’t stand nipple play--he loved it, but it drove him insane. Realizing this, the younger man quickly shed Dean’s shirt and attacked his nipples. Hands and lips met both nipples at once, and Dean nearly lost it. Teeth grazed his left nipple, followed quickly by soothing circles from a talented tongue. Meanwhile, fingers pinched his right nipple lightly, just enough to send a tingling sensation throughout his entire body. Then, the hand and lips switched. Dean could feel himself growing hard, painfully so. He couldn’t take much more of this.  _ Please. _

He hadn’t realized he'd said out loud until the other man stopped his teasing to give him a smirk. He took Dean’s hand and led him back to a small bedroom. There, he shed his own clothes, and it was Dean’s turn to tease  _ him _ . Dean kissed him and quickly took control of the kiss. He walked him back to the bed and pushed him lightly back onto it. He crawled on top of him and kissed him again, grinding his clothed erection against the other man’s bare one. He moved lower, kissing his way down his neck, across his chest, until he finally reached his hips. He spent a good deal of time pressing kisses everywhere  _ but _ the other man’s cock. Pretty soon, he had the other man in a writhing state not all that different from the one Dean had just been in. Dean gently pushed his knees up; the other man quickly complied. Dean dipped lower and licked a quick stripe across the man’s hole. He gasped. Dean smirked as he did it again. And again and again and again. He used his tongue as a substitute for his cock, pressing in and out rhythmically. Abruptly, Dean stopped and stood up. The other man whimpered. Dean rummaged through the drawer in the nightstand and found some lube and a condom. He quickly lubed up his fingers and pressed one against the younger man’s tight hole. It was slick from saliva, but the lube helped ease it in. After that first finger, the others were easier. He soon had three fingers in the other man, and he set a ruthless pace, opening him up and preparing him for Dean’s cock. Once he had four fingers in him, the other man seemingly had enough because he said, “Enough, enough. I need you  _ now _ .”

Dean slid out his fingers and dispelled of his boxers. He rolled the condom on and lubed himself up. But, before he had a chance to do anything more, the other man pulled him down to the bed and flipped them so that he was straddling Dean. Within a blink of an eye, he was sinking down on Dean’s cock, and he lost all capacity to think. The young man threw his head back and moaned. And, Dean would be damned if that weren’t the hottest thing. Once he’d adjusted to Dean’s girth, the other man started moving. Again, Dean’s mind stopped. He could only focus on the other man and their bodies as they moved together. Dean thrusted his hips up to meet the other man’s downward descent, and neither of them could hold back their cries of ecstasy. Dean wasn’t going to last long like this, no way, and as he felt the other man’s thrusts stutter, he knew he wasn’t alone. Dean thrusted up harder, quicker, more precisely, until finally--

“ _ Ah, shit _ !" He  thrusted up into the other man one last time as he came hard. His eyes closed tightly, and he felt the other man clamp down on him as he came too. The pleasure was incomprehensible, and it worked its way through Dean’s body in small yet intense shivers. It took him a few moments to come back to reality--somewhere he really didn’t want to go back to.

Because there, he found himself in a city where he didn’t live in an apartment that wasn’t his with a man he didn’t know. 

The other man dismantled himself from Dean and flopped onto the bed next to him. Dean’s brain was quickly jumping back into motion, and regret started welling up in his chest.  _ This shouldn’t have happened _ , he thought. He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He was sticky from sweat and come, and he wanted nothing more than a shower, but he’d be satisfied with just a tissue. He took one from the nightstand and cleaned himself up. Then, he tied off the condom and threw it in the conveniently-located trashcan next to the bed. 

“That was...” The other man started. Dean liked his voice. It was deep, gravelly, sexy as hell. “...amazing.”

Dean turned to him, and his regret seeped away. The man lying next to him was beautiful. He didn’t want to regret this. He really didn’t. But, he knew that he would anyway. He pushed those feelings aside, though, and laid back down. “Woulda been better if I knew your name.”

He laughed, and if that wasn’t the most beautiful sound... “Castiel.”

“That’s a, uh... an interesting name,” Dean said. 

Castiel chuckled. “Yes, it is. What’s yours?”

“Dean.”

“Nice to meet you, Dean.” Castiel held out his hand to shake, and Dean took it. 

“Nice to meet ya, Castiel.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly plot development in this chapter, hope you all enjoy!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who left kudos and comments! Y'all are the best!

Dean and Castiel fell asleep shortly after their introductions. Dean’s slumber was interrupted, however, around 3 in the morning. He jolted awake and sat up. He took a deep breath as he disentangled himself from Castiel. _I should go_ , he thought to himself.

As quietly as he could, he stood up and got dressed. He spared one last glance at the young man sleeping soundly. This was the best lay he’d ever had, but... Dean just knew this was it. He knew nothing else could come of this. Shaking his head, he turned down the hall and left the apartment. His hotel was close-ish to Castiel’s apartment, thankfully, so he made it there quickly. And once he was back in his room, he collapsed on his bed, eyes drooping instantly.

He dreamt of a certain pair of sparkling blue eyes and a certain deep and gravelly voice.

*****

Dean woke up three and a half hours later to his phone blaring. He groaned as he reached to answer it. “Hello?”

“Dean,” Sam greeted him. “Did I wake you?”

“Well, it’s only six-thirty, so yes.”

Sam sighed on the other end. “Seriously? _Today_ , you chose to just--” Sam broke off, taking a deep breath. “I’m in your hotel’s lobby. Meet me in twenty.”

“Dude, it’s not even seven yet.”

“And, _you_ have court at eight, _dude_.”

_Oh, right_. Dean closed his eyes. He couldn’t believe he forgot. “I’ll be there soon.”

“Damn straight,” Sam said and hung up.

Dean immediately got up and got dressed. He put on his best suit, and he even tried to smooth his hair down. He took a look at himself in the mirror, and he looked good. He couldn’t take pride in it, though. He was too nervous. He did his best to push his nerves aside as he rode the elevator down to the lobby.

Sure enough, Sam was waiting for him not far from the elevator. He jumped up upon seeing Dean. “Morning,” he said.

Dean offered a weak smile. “Mornin’ Sammy.” He gave his little brother a light punch in the arm.

Sam forced out a nervous laugh. _Nice to see I’m not the only one._ “You ready for this?”

Dean tried his best to keep up a cocky attitude. “Sure, piece of cake.”

Sam eyed him warily, but he didn’t push it. “Well, come on, then.” He started walking to the exit, and Dean followed him. There was a town car waiting outside for them, and they piled into the back. Without being given instructions, the driver left and headed to the court house. Sam filled the air with nervous ramblings about the morning ahead of them.

“So you remember what we went over? Remember that the jury will...” But, Dean wasn’t listening. He was freaking out. He didn’t seem so, not on the outside, of course, but he was. He was internally screaming. He was about to testify against-- _NO_ , he thought. _No, calm down. It doesn’t matter. He hurt people, you need to do this. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter._

“Dean?” Dean blinked and looked over at Sam. “Are you okay?”

Dean put on a strong face for his little brother. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good.”

“If you’re having doubts about this, you can--”

“What? Walk away?” Dean shook his head. “No way, Sammy. Your career rides on this.”

“It’s not about me! It’s about what you’re going to do. You’re about to--”

“Sam, I agreed to do this, and that hasn’t changed. I’m going to help put him behind bars if it’s the last thing I do.”

Sam clenched his jaw but nodded stiffly. “Okay... But, once we go in there, Dean... there’s no going back.”

Dean looked up at the court house as the driver stopped in front of it. Press, protesters, and interested bystanders awaited them to step out so that they could bombard them with questions. Dean wasn’t ready, to be perfectly honest. But, he knew he _had_ to do this. He had to. He looked back at Sam. “I know, Sam. And, as I said, I agreed to this, so let’s go.”

Sam took a deep breath and nodded. “All right, then.”

Then, he and Dean got out of the car and entered the chaotic crowd, leaving their nerves in the car behind them.

*****

After fighting through the crowd outside, Dean and Sam made it to their assigned court room, where Sam met up with his colleagues on this case. He greeted each one of them with a handshake. Sam was only thirty-one, but he was already taking lead on major cases and had a very high respect from his coworkers. Dean admired that about him. He’d always been a hard worker, and now it was paying off. Shortly after they arrived, the bailiff opened the door to the court room and allowed them and the others waiting outside to come in and take their seats. Sam and his colleagues sat on the right side of the room, closest to the jury, and Dean sat in the front row of benches with the other witnesses. There were only two others going today. Dean looked over at them and tried his hardest not to show pity. The boy sitting next to him was maybe sixteen, and the one sitting next to him was only fourteen. Sam had told him that one of them was young. _“Fourteen, Dean... I just... I can’t believe it,”_ Sam had said.

Dean looked away from them, checking his watch. It was a quarter to eight. That was when court adjourned, and that was when Sam would call him to the stand. Opening arguments and preliminary witnesses were yesterday, and today... Today, Dean took the stand.

The buzzing conversation in the court room only got louder as it got closer and closer to eight o’clock. But, as loud as it was, Dean wished it were louder. Because maybe then, he could shut out his nervous thoughts. _Sam’s right, they don’t need me, not really. I mean... the others are much younger..._

_“You prove the chronology, though, Dean,”_ he’d said.

Dean closed his eyes. _No, I have to do this. I_ have _to do this_.

Five minutes till eight, the bailiff walked in with _him_ , and Dean couldn’t look away. He looked the same as he had years ago. He caught Dean’s eye and smirked. Dean looked away.

Alastair was followed in by his lawyer, who--because he was looking down at his shoes--Dean did not see. They took their seats on the opposite side of the room from Sam and his colleagues, and not two minutes later, the bailiff announced, “All rise for the honorable Claire Davenport.”

Dean and everyone else rose to their feet as an elderly judge walked out of her chambers and took a seat in her chair. “At ease,” she said as if this were the military.

_This is it, this is it, this is it, this is it..._

“Mr. Winchester,” Sam stood up as she addressed him, “we begin with you today. Please call your first witness.”

“I call Dean Winchester to the stand, Your Honor.”

The judge’s eyebrows rose at the sound of the family name but otherwise made no comment. Dean rose from his seat and kept his eyes on the floor as he walked to the witness stand. There, he stopped before the bailiff, who said, “Raise your right hand.” Dean raised it. “Do you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?”

“Yes.” He sounded much more confident than he felt. The bailiff nodded, and Dean took his seat in the witness chair. He took a deep breath before looking up and out at the mass of people sitting in the court room. But, as soon as he looked up, he regretted it because he immediately locked eyes with the man sitting next to Alastair.

The man with sparkling blue eyes and whose name was Castiel.

_Well, shit_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of non-consensual relationships, underage sex, and sexual abuse (it's not very explicit, but I thought it'd be better to warn y'all than not say anything) Be safe!
> 
> This is a bit of an angsty chapter, and it has a lot of feelings and stuff, so hope you guys enjoy!
> 
> (Also this consistent and fast updating is unlikely to last, just a fair warning)

Dean was sucked into those blue eyes, and for a second, everything in the room was blocked out. It was just Dean and Castiel. He couldn’t believe the young man-- _seriously, he couldn’t be older than 26_ \--was a lawyer. And, he certainly couldn’t believe he was a _defense_ lawyer for _him_.

“Dean?” Sam’s voice cut into Dean’s thoughts, and he snapped back to the present. He focused on Sam and raised his eyebrows. It seemed that Sam had asked a question and was awaiting Dean’s response. But, he hadn’t heard it.

“Sorry, I’m nervous. Can you repeat the question?”

Sam’s eyes grew worried, but he continued with his voice strong. “I asked where you went to high school.”

 _Right, right, I can do this_. “Uh, Meyers High.”

“And, while you were there, did you ever have any classes with Mr. Hopkins?”

Dean nodded. “I had History with him in my junior year.”

“Did you have any other school-affiliated activities with him?”

 _School-related, right_. “He was the coach of the baseball team and the swim team, and I was on both of them, so...” Dean trailed off, assuming the implication was clear.

“Did you ever interact with him outside of these school-related events?”

“Yes.” He knew he was supposed to say more, but his throat was closing up, and he couldn’t.

Sam pushed, though. “How so?”

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat. “He’d give me private coaching times to help improve my form for scouts.”

Sam nodded. “And, did these “private” coaching times ever involve sexual acts?”

Before Dean could respond, Castiel stood up. “Objection. Leading.”

The judge nodded to Sam, “Sustained.”

“I’ll rephrase... What occurred during these private coaching times?”

Dean shifted in his seat. “Well, at first, he really _did_ help me with my batting and my pitching... But, come swim season... that’s when things changed.”

“How so?” Sam prompted when he didn’t continue.

Dean sighed. “He’d--” He broke off, his throat closing up. _No, no, don’t let him win. Just say it. The jury needs to hear it._ “He’d have me shower with him afterwards. At first, I didn’t think it was that weird. We were just two guys taking a shower in the locker room, just like if we were team mates, but then...” He had to pause to regain his breathing. “He’d make me shower _with_ him, and he’d--we’d--” Dean broke off yet again. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t do this...

“It’s okay, take your time,” Sam said gently.

Dean met his eyes and gained some confidence. “He made me jerk him off, and then, later, things escalated, and we would... do other things.” He didn’t want to say it. He didn’t want to admit all the slimy things he did with Alastair.

“When did it stop?”

“When I graduated.”

Sam nodded. “No further questions.” He turned back and sat down next to his colleagues. Meanwhile, Castiel stood up, looking over his notes.

It was quiet for a moment before Castiel looked up and asked, “Did you ever tell anyone?”

“No, but--” Castiel cut him off.

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because he was my teacher and I knew no one would listen to me!”

“Obviously, your brother would have.”

“Objection, Your Honor! Speculation.”

The judge shook her head at Castiel. “Please, Mr. Novak, stick to asking the witness questions.”

“I apologize, Your Honor.” He looked back down at his notes before looking back up at Dean, but this time, he didn’t quite meet his eyes. “So, these sexual encounters with Mr. Hopkins occurred in your high school career?” Dean nodded. “You never saw him again, never slept with him after that?”

Sam stood up angrily. “ _Objection_ , Your Honor. Speculative.”

“I’m merely asking if his relationship with my client ended when he says it did.”

The judge wagered her options. “Overruled. Novak, you may continue.”

Castiel looked back at Dean. “Mr. Winchester?”

Dean knew his answer wouldn’t help their case, so he stayed silent. The judge didn’t like that, though, and she prompted him to speak. “Mr. Winchester, answer the question.”

Dean closed his eyes. “We slept together two other times after I graduated, but it was--”

Castiel cut him off. “That’s all, Your Honor. No more questions.”

“But--”

“Mr. Winchester, you may step down,” Judge Davenport said sternly.

Dean clenched his jaw and glared at Castiel, who was studying his notes without a care in the world. Dean was fuming. He stepped down from the witness stand and stormed out of the courtroom. Sam tried to stop him, to talk to him, but Dean was determined to get out of there. He couldn’t do this right now. So, he left. But, outside the room, he was met with flashing cameras and antsy reporters, trying to get the best scoop possible. He pushed through the crowd and ran into the closest unlocked room. He closed the door and locked it. He leaned his head against the door and sighed. After he regained control of his breathing, he turned to the room and found a table and chairs. He slumped into one of the chairs and laid his head on his arms. He was alone for the first time today, and he couldn’t hold everything in anymore.

So, sitting alone in that small room, he broke down.

*****

About an hour later, someone tried to come into the room, and upon finding it locked, he knocked. “Dean! Are you in there? Let me in.”

It was Sam. Dean got up and let his brother in (but after wiping his eyes and making it seem as if he hadn’t been crying, of course). “Sorry, I just had to get out of there,” he said.

Sam waved him off. “It’s okay, man. The next witness did fine, don’t worry.”

“But, Sam, he asked the _one_ question we were hoping he wouldn’t! How did he even know about that?”

“Hopkins probably told him, Dean.” Dean turned away from Sam and started pacing nervously. “Look, it doesn’t matter, Dean! We’ll get him. The jury isn’t sympathetic at all.”

Dean gave him a level look. “It matters to _me_ , Sam! I didn’t want this to come out, I didn’t _want_ to do this! But, I felt like I had to because he hurt us, and he has to pay for it. But...” Dean broke off, shaking his head. “This is too much. I didn’t think it would be like this. I didn’t realize it’d be such a big case. I _certainly_ didn’t expect to see two _boys_ sitting next to me, preparing to give the same testimony as I was! Sam,” he shook his head again, “I don’t know if I can do this.”

Dean was showing true vulnerability to his brother, something he’d rarely done, but he didn’t care right now. Sam’s eyes were wide with worry. “Please, Dean. I promise, everything will be okay. We’ll get him. I promise.”

Dean took a deep breath. He slowly nodded. “Okay, okay... what are you doing here, anyway?”

“We’re taking a short recess. We resume at eleven.” Dean nodded, and he took a seat at the table again. Sam was about to sit down across from him when someone else knocked on the door. Sam looked at Dean, confused, and went to answer the door.

Castiel pushed his way through when Sam opened the door, and Dean immediately stood up, that earlier anger flaring up. “Can we talk?” He asked, not even acknowledging Sam’s existence.

“I don’t think--” Sam started.

“It’s fine, Sammy, I wanna hear what he’s got to say. You can wait outside,” Dean said, his eyes locked to Castiel’s.

Sam clenched his jaw but nodded and left the room, closing the door behind him. The resonating silence was deafening.

“What the _fuck_ ?” Dean asked. “How could you _defend_ a scumbag like him?”

“I’m only doing my job, Dean. I’m--”

“ _Your job_? What kind of job is defending child molesters?”

Castiel clenched his jaw, his eyes cast down. “I was assigned to him. I didn’t choose this case, Dean. I’m a public defender. This is my job, and my job is to defend my client--no matter what he’s done--as best I can.” Castiel spoke calmly, and Dean shook his head. How could he be so calm?

“That doesn’t explain why you _tore_ into me today, why would you--”

“I was _doing_ my _job_ !” Castiel yelled, suddenly meeting Dean’s eyes. “I can’t let what happened between us last night interfere with my job, my _career_. I had to ask that question because it was the only way to get the jury to--” He broke off, glancing away yet again. He shook his head and didn’t continue.

But, Dean wanted to hear this. “To what, Cas?” He didn’t intend to give the man a nickname because right now, he wanted to be anything _but_ chummy with the guy, but it just slipped out.

Cas sighed. “To turn against you.”

Dean blinked out of confusion and anger and hurt and-- “ _Seriously_ ?!? You’re trying to get the jury to turn against _me_ ? I’m the _victim_ ! _He’s_ the one who’s on trial!”

Cas shook his head again, and he looked like he was going to be sick. “I know. I know, but... I have to do what I have to do.”

“I don’t accept that, Cas! You have a choice to say and do whatever you want. It was your choice to defend him, and it was _your_ choice to ask me that question! No one is making you do this.” With that, he stormed out of the room, leaving Cas-- _no, it’s Castiel, not Cas--_ behind.

This morning was just getting better and better.

*****

The rest of the day’s proceedings went more or less as expected. The other two witnesses for the prosecution did well--better than Dean, anyway--and the judge declared that they would resume tomorrow morning at ten o’clock for cross-examination.

As Sam and Dean were leaving the courthouse, Dean caught Sam’s arm. “Wait, wait, wait, cross-examination? I thought that already happened?”

Sam looked at him and nodded slowly. “Sort of... In cases like this, sometimes the defense cross-examines the witnesses the next day.” His eyes softened at Dean’s worried expression. “Don’t worry, I’ll be able to ask a few questions after he does if I find it necessary.”

Dean nodded and said, “Okay, good,” as if that was supposed to reassure him. 

With that, they walked the rest of the way out of the courthouse, pushed their way through the sea of reporters, and climbed into the back of the same town car as this morning. The car started driving away, but before it could get too far, they hit a red light. Dean gazed out the window and saw  ~~ Cas ~~ _ Castiel  _ getting into his own car--a rusted, old Ford Taurus. He had his tie loosened, and he wore an exhausted expression on his face. Dean felt sorry for him in that moment, and he wondered why he had such a shitty car instead of riding around in a nice town car like him and Sam.

“How are you holding up, Dean?” Sam asked as they started moving again.

“I’m fine, Sammy. Just fine.” He added a little smile to the end of it as if to reaffirm his okay-ness.

Sam didn’t seem to buy it. “If you need to--”

Dean held up a hand. “I said I’m fine. Now, just drop it, okay?”

Sam nodded reluctantly. After a few moments of silence, he decided to change the subject. “Jess and I are having dinner later. You should come.”

Dean wanted to say yes. He wanted nothing more than to have a normal night out, but he couldn’t. He needed a drink much, _much_ more than that right now. “I think I’m just gonna have a quiet night in if that’s all right.”

“Okay...” he trailed off as they pulled into Dean’s hotel. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Dean nodded as he got out and waved to his brother as the car drove off. He turned back to the building and walked straight to the hotel bar. He took a seat and ordered a whiskey, telling the barmaid to keep a tab running. It was going to be a  _ long  _ night.

The more Dean drank, the more he thought about today. Then, as the night dragged on, his thoughts kept returning to one thing. One person.  _ Cas _ . Damn, he was hot. And sexy and good in bed and  _ beautiful _ and a lousy human being that defends bad people.  _ Oh, right _ . Dean downed another drink to forget about Cas, but that was all he  _ could _ think about. He didn’t know why, though. He met the guy yesterday,  _ and _ he was defending the person Dean hated more than anyone. So what if Cas had the most beautiful blue eyes he’d ever seen? So what if he was the best lay Dean had ever had? So what?

Dean sighed, and he was about to order another drink, his fourth of the night, as someone slid into the seat next to him. He turned to greet the newcomer, but the comment died on his lips as he met Cas’s eyes. “Hello, Dean.”

Dean blinked. “No, no, you and I should  _ so _ not be talking.” He shook his head and looked straight ahead, ignoring the other man.

“Dean, please, I--”

“How’d you even find me? Are you following me or something?”

“No! No, of course not!” Cas gave him an  _ are you serious _ look. “I work here on the weekends, and I was picking up my check. I saw you, and I thought...” He trailed off and shook his head. “Never mind.”

“You work here on the weekends?” Dean asked incredulously. “Why?”

Cas raised his eyebrows. “Because I can’t afford rent otherwise.”

“But, you’re a lawyer.”

“Yeah, with about forty-grand in student loan debt, an eight hundred dollar rent, and a shit salary.”

Dean frowned. “But, wait--” he was having trouble formulate his thoughts. “That doesn’t make sense.”

Cas sighed. “We can’t all graduate top of our class from Stanford and immediately get hired by the biggest law firms, make it big, then decide to join the DA’s office.” Dean raised an eyebrow--that was Sam’s story, pretty much to a T... “Sorry,” Cas shook his head. “Your brother and I have gone up against each other before, and... I’m not a big fan, no offense.”

Dean huffed out a laugh. “I get it, I guess.” He bit his lip. He wanted to keep this conversation going, but...  _ No _ , no this was stupid. They couldn’t be talking. There was some rule about it, there had to be... “Yeah, I gotta go.” He stood up to settle his bill, but Cas stopped him.

“Wait, Dean.” He stood up and followed Dean to the cash register, but Dean kept his eyes forward. He paid his tab and turned to go up to his room. Cas caught his arm. “Please, Dean, just hear me out.”

Dean shook his arm off and kept walking. He knew this was a bad idea. They really shouldn’t talk. He had almost reached the elevator when Cas’s words stopped him cold.

“So, you  _ don’t  _ want the list of questions I’m going to ask you tomorrow?”

Dean turned around, frowning. Cas closed the distance between them until there were mere inches between them. “Isn’t that illegal?”

Cas shook his head. “Some might call it unethical, but it’s not illegal. The defense is allowed to share whatever they want with the prosecution.”

“But, doesn’t that mean you have to go through Sam?”

He shook his head again. “Do you want the questions or not?”

Dean eyed him warily. “Why are you doing this?”

Cas took a step back and sighed, casting his eyes to the floor. He shrugged. “I didn’t--” he broke off, swallowing. “I didn’t like the look on your face when I surprised you with that question... I don’t want that to happen again.”

Dean didn’t know what to say to that. His answer completely surprised him. He opened his mouth a number of times, only to close it with nothing to say. While he was blundering, Cas reached into his trench coat and pulled out an envelope. He held it out to Dean.

“Take it. Read it or don’t.” He shrugged. “Just... take it.”

Dean took the envelope. “Thanks, Cas,” he breathed out.

Cas chuckled. “Haha, you know that’s the second time you’ve called me that today.” For the life of him, Dean blushed. 

“Yeah, sorry, I--”

Cas held up a hand. “It’s okay. In fact, I like it. A lot.”

Dean huffed out a laugh. “Ha, okay, then.”

“Well, I better go... See you tomorrow.”

Dean nodded and started backing up toward the elevator. “See ya, Cas...”

Cas gave him one last look before turning and walking away. Dean watched him go, waiting until he was completely out of eyesight before turning back to the elevator. He looked down at the envelope in his hands. He wanted to open it, to see what fresh hell tomorrow would bring, but something was stopping him from tearing it open. He chewed on his bottom lip as he rode the elevator up to his floor, debating what to do. Maybe he should call Sam. He immediately nixed that idea. What to do, what to do? He sighed as he stepped out of the elevator. Once he was back in his room, Dean sat on his bed, staring down at the envelope.

He should just do it. It’ll only help him, and Cas said it wasn’t illegal, so... He pulled out the list of questions. As he looked over them, his breathing quickened, his chest tightened, and he dropped the paper. Cas might have been an underpaid lawyer, but he was a good one. That doubt from earlier in the day crept into him again.  _ This isn’t going to work. I can’t do this, I can’t do this... _

He stood up suddenly. He needed to take a long, long,  _ hot _ shower because that was the only thing he could do to ease his panic. Tomorrow was going to be a  _ long _ day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me if my legal jargin is wrong, feel free to let me know if I can correct something. Thanks for reading!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot more emotional and darker than I intended, but I still think it turned out well, so I hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Again, there are mentions of sexual abuse, but nothing explicit, even less explicit than last chapter. Be safe, everyone!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who leaves Kudos/Comments, I really appreciate it!!!

The morning started out with a mind-splitting headache for Dean. After his long shower, he had cracked open the mini-bar and drank until he passed out. He was pretty sure he was still a little drunk when he met Sam downstairs in the lobby. Sam gave him a concerned look but knew his brother well enough to keep his mouth shut, and for that, Dean was grateful. There were even more reporters outside the courthouse than yesterday, and Sam and Dean had to push through twice as hard just to make it to the steps. Thankfully, someone had the foresight to rope off a path for the lawyers and witnesses. Once they were inside the courthouse, Dean could breathe again, and he followed Sam into the courtroom, taking his seat alongside the same boys from yesterday. 

One of them offered him a small smile as he sat down. Dean nodded back as a way of hello, but he didn’t try a smile. He knew he couldn’t pull that off. Nerves ate Dean up inside. He had looked over the questions Cas _ tiel _ was going to ask him again this morning, and that was a terrible idea because he threw up immediately afterward. Well, that could have been the alcohol, but still...

“So, are you, uh,  _ the  _ Dean Winchester?” The boy beside him asked.

Dean looked over at him with a raised eyebrow. “Uh, I guess...”

The kid beamed. “Really? Dude, your trophies and awards are all over school still. We even call the fifth lane in the pool the Winchester lane.” Dean blushed in spite of himself. “I can’t believe... even  _ you _ ...” He trailed off, his face falling, eyes growing dark and distant. He shook his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to--”

Dean held up a hand. “It’s okay... say, what’s your name?”

The guy’s face filled with a bit of color again. “Uh, I’m Garth.” 

“Nice to meet you,” Dean said. “Wish it was under different circumstances...”

Garth nodded, but he didn’t say anything else as his eyes caught something behind Dean. Dean turned to look. Alastair was being brought into the courtroom by the bailiff. Cas _ tiel _ wasn’t here yet. Dean wondered where he was-- _ NO. Stop thinking about him. It doesn’t matter... _

Just then, Cas _ tiel _ jogged into the courtroom, mumbling, “Sorry, sorry, I’m late,” to his client and the bailiff. Dean studied him with a curious expression on his face. His hair was tousled as if he’d woken just minutes before walking into the courtroom; his clothes were a bit wrinkled, and if he wasn’t mistaken, it was the same outfit as yesterday. Dean clenched his jaw as jealousy swelled in his chest, and he hated himself for it. He’d met the guy  _ two days _ ago, and already, he was getting all possessive over him.  _ Besides _ , he thought,  _ I don’t know for sure that he got laid last night...  _

_ Why else would he show up in the same clothes as yesterday? _ A nasty voice inside his head chided.

Dean shut it out as the bailiff said, “All rise for the honorable Claire Davenport.” They all stood up as the judge walked out from her chambers and took her seat at the bench. She waved her hands as a way of saying  _ at ease _ , and everyone sat down. 

“So, we begin today with cross-examination from the defense. Mr. Novak, who do you wish to call first?”

Cas _ tiel _ stood up and said, “Dean Winchester, ma’am.” She nodded and waited for Dean to walk up to the witness stand. He walked up to the stand and took his seat. 

“May I remind you that you are still under oath, Mr. Winchester. Do you understand?”

Dean nodded, unable to form a sentence quite yet. He focused his eyes on the microphone in front of him as Cas _ tiel _ started his questions.

“Mr. Winchester, what years did you attend Meyers High?”

“Um, 1995 to 1999.”

“So, that means you are currently, what, about 35?” Dean nodded. “And, what year did you first have private coaching sessions with Mr. Hopkins?”

“Summer of ’97.”

“And, how old were you at that time?”

“16.”

Cas _ tiel _ nodded. “Right, and the legal age of consent in this state is 17, correct?” Dean frowned, but nodded slowly.  _ Is he helping our case? _ “When did you last see Mr. Hopkins?”

Dean clenched his jaw. He knew this question was coming up, but he didn’t want to answer. But,  _ dammit _ , he had to. “Summer between my first and second year at college.”

“How old were you then?”

“19.”

“So, you were well above the age of consent, then.” Dean wondered if this would be a good time for Sam to stand up and object something, but he remained seated, apparently seeing no reason. “Did you ever outright refuse Mr. Hopkins access to you?”

“No, but--”

“So, legally, when you turned seventeen, he had your implied consent.”

“ _ Objection _ , Your Honor, speculative!”

“Mr. Novak stick to questions.”

“Withdrawn,” Castiel replied. Dean was fuming. “Why did you not refuse him? Why didn’t you say no?”

“I wanted to, but I--I just... couldn’t, I guess.”

“Why couldn’t you? What stopped you?”

“He was my coach, my teacher! I didn’t want to say no to him!”

“You didn’t  _ want _ to say no or you  _ couldn’t _ say no?” Dean stared at him, eyes flaring. He was fuming, too mad to speak. “Which is it, Mr. Winchester?” Dean shook his head. “Did he ever gag you or incapacitate you in some way that prevented you from speaking?”

“N-no, but--”

“Did he ever drug you or get you drunk?”

“No, bu--”

“Then, how could you not have said no?” Dean clenched his jaw, trying to find the words. 

“I was a  _ kid! _ I didn’t know what to do or say or--or  _ hell _ , I still don’t know why I didn’t say no, but I couldn’t.”

Castiel looked down at his notes as if to avoid the look in Dean’s eyes. When he looked back up, he didn’t meet his gaze. “Well, what about after your first year of college? What happened then?”

“That has nothing to do with this case,” he gritted out.

“Oh, I think it does, Mr. Winchester. Because, if you truly  _ couldn’t _ or  _ didn’t want to _ say no to him, why would you continue your relationship after it was over? After you no longer had to see him day-in and day-out?”

“ _ I _ didn’t continue it,” he defended himself, his voice rough.

“So, he called you? He asked you to meet him somewhere to have sex?”

“Well, in so many words, yes, but--”

“Why didn’t you just say no, then? He had no more power over you, he was no longer in a position of authority over you. What was it, then, that made you agree to meet him?”

Dean’s anger flared and then died out. He slouched down into the chair. “I don’t know how to describe it.” 

“Try,” Castiel said, this time, his voice gentle.

Dean swallowed before saying, “I... I could never say no to him. I don’t know why, but I could never say no to him. He may not have been an authority to me anymore, but he still had a hold over me, still had a way inside my head. And, I just couldn’t... say no. Because this time was gonna be different, right? Or, this time he wouldn’t do this or that? This time he’ll be nice and gentle and sweet...” Dean shook his head. “I thought a year away from him had loosened his hold, but it didn’t. And, when he asked me over, I--” He broke off. “I couldn’t resist.”

It was silent in the courtroom for a moment. No one dared to even breathe. Then, Castiel said, “No more questions, Your Honor.” His voice was so quiet, so gentle, Dean knew that his answer had shaken him.

“You may step down, Mr. Winchester.”

Dean stepped down from the witness stand and, like yesterday, walked out of the room. He didn’t want to stick around to hear what Castiel was going to ask the others, he couldn’t. Instead of searching for an unlocked room this time, Dean just left the courthouse altogether. He needed to go back to the hotel; he needed to sleep, to try his best to escape this nightmare that was his reality.

*****

Dean wasn’t sure how long he’d been asleep, but it didn’t really matter because he was just as annoyed by the loud knocking on his door when it woke him up. Reluctantly, he got out of bed and shuffled to the door. He looked through the peep-hole, and really, he shouldn’t be surprised to see Sam standing there with a worried expression on his face. Dean opened the door as he wiped his eyes. Sam walked in, and Dean closed the door behind him. He yawned and said, “So, court’s over? When do you resume?”

Sam took a seat on the couch next to the window, loosening his tie. “Monday. It’s the weekend, so no court tomorrow or Sunday.” Dean nodded as he walked back to the bed and sat down opposite Sam.

“I’m sorry I left earlier. I just needed to get out of there. I didn’t want to stick around for when he questioned the other two.”

Sam nodded understandingly. “I get it. No need to apologize. If anything,  _ I  _ should be sorry...” He trailed off, shaking his head. “I should have prepared you for those questions. I had no idea Novak had that in him.”

“You’ve gone against him before?” Dean asked as if he didn’t already know the answer. 

Sam nodded. “Yeah, a couple years ago for the first time, and then again last year. Both times, he didn’t seem all that good. Just kinda did the bare minimum as public defenders tend to do, but today... this case, even, he proved that he’s actually a good lawyer.”

Dean frowned a little. “Why do you think he’s a defense lawyer?”

Sam shrugged. “From what I heard, he tried to get a job at the DA’s office, but he had like no experience, and his grades were shit, so... Next stop, public defender’s office.”

Dean’s frown deepened, but he didn’t say anything else. 

“I feel like we should go out or something tonight, Dean. Just the two of us. You need to get your mind off all this.” Dean sighed. “Please, Dean, come on. You can’t be a hermit the whole time you’re here.”

Dean shook his head. “I’m not a hermit,” he declared weakly. “I’m just tired. Not tonight, okay? Maybe tomorrow when I don’t have fresh battle scars from court.”

Whatever Sam’s arguments were for going out died on his lips. “I guess you’re right... Well, we could just stay in. There’s bound to be a game on or something.”

Dean smiled softly. He appreciated what Sam was trying to do, but he really just wanted-- _ needed _ \--to be alone right now. For the past two days, he’d been opening up old wounds that he’d hoped to never open again, and he needed to be alone to process all of it. At least, that was what he told himself. In reality, he wanted to curl up with someone and have him or her say that everything was going to be all right, that he was going to be fine, that Alastair was never going to walk free again. That’s what he really wanted, and Sam couldn’t give him that. So, he politely declined Sam’s offer. “Look, Sammy, I appreciate it, but I just need to be alone. Please.” Sam nodded slowly.

“Okay, I understand,” he said as he got up from the couch. “I’ll, uh... I’ll see you tomorrow. We have to do something tomorrow, okay? I’m not taking no for an answer.” Dean forced out a chuckle.

“Ha, okay, tomorrow.” He walked Sam to the door and waved to him as he left. As he closed the door, his room’s phone started ringing. He frowned as he walked over to answer it. “Hello?”

“Hello, Mr. Winchester, this is the front desk calling, how are you this evening?”

“Um, fine, thanks, what’s this about?”

“Glad to hear it. I am calling because someone is here to see you, but he doesn’t have your room number, so it is our policy to check with our guests before we give out their room numbers that they actually know the person.”

“Okay. Who is it?”

“Castiel Novak, sir, would you like me to send him up?”

Dean’s anger flared, and  _ yeah, you know what, yeah, I wanna talk to him, give him a piece of my mind _ . “Yes.”

“Right away. Have a good evening.” The line went dead before Dean could reply, and he slammed the phone down on the receiver. He paced his room as he waited for Cas _ tiel _ to show up. His blood boiled, his fists curled, his heart raced.  _ God _ , he was so angry. So, so,  _ so _ angry. He was expecting every one of those questions, but the way he said it, the way he interrupted him, the whole experience was enough to just--

The hesitant knock on the door cut off Dean’s inner ramblings, and he practically ran to the door to let Cas _ tiel _ in. He looked worried as he walked into Dean’s hotel room, chewing on his bottom lip and playing with a loose string on his trench coat-- _ which actually looks pretty damn good on him by the way--NO, DEAN, THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO CHECK HIM OUT... _

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see if you were okay,” Cas _ tiel  _ said.

“Oh, really? Do you actually care?” 

“Yes! I don’t know why, but I do.”

Dean shook his head incredulously. “Hard to tell how much you  _ care _ when you’re grilling me about my sex life in front of a hundred people, twelve of which you’re trying to convince that I’m confused and that what he did to me wasn’t abuse!”

Cas _ tiel _ closed his eyes and shook his head. “You didn’t read the questions... I’m sorry, Dean, I tried to--”

“Oh, I read them! I read them, but that didn’t prepare me,  _ Castiel _ . I wasn’t prepared for that judgemental tone, that disbelieving look in your eyes.” Dean shook his head. “I don’t understand how you can defend him! How you can believe that he didn’t hurt me--” Dean broke off as a lump formed in his throat. 

Meanwhile, Castiel grew enraged by Dean’s comment. “You think that I don’t believe you? You think that I  _ trust _ him when he tells me you all wanted it?” He screamed. Dean blinked at him, frozen to the spot. He didn’t know what to do or say. “Fuck, no, Dean.  _ Fuck _ , no! I believe he deserves to spend the rest of his life rotting away in jail for what he did to you. He is a despicable human being that used his authority as a coach and a teacher to get into young boys’ pants. It’s disgusting. Every minute I spend on this case, I get more and more disgusted. Every time I have to stand in front of that courtroom and tear into you and those... those  _ boys _ , I hate myself. I hate that I have to do this, but it’s my job, Dean. It’s my job, and I can’t get out of it.” He paused, breathing heavily. 

Dean knew, deep down, that he was being unfair towards Castiel. He knew that it was his job to defend Alastair, and he knew that it must be agony for him. But, he couldn’t help his anger. He took a step closer to Cas _ tiel _ , leaving mere inches between them. 

“I wish I didn’t have to do this. I wish I could quit and get a new job, but I can’t. I’m just not good enough, not smart enough.” And,  _ that _ , right there, broke Dean. 

He closed the gap between them and kissed the younger man roughly. Cas _ tiel _ didn’t respond at first, too shocked to move, but he quickly snapped himself out of it and kissed back hungrily. And, just like the other night, Dean lost himself, lost the ability to think clearly. Dean reached between them and started shedding his layers. Once he was down to his button-down, it was only a matter of seconds before Cas _ tiel _ stood before him shirtless. Dean broke the kiss to move his way down to the younger man’s nipples, and when he reached them, he bit down on the left one  _ hard _ . Cas _ tiel _ yelped, but Dean quickly soothed his bite with gentle flicks of his tongue, and the younger man moaned in pleasure. Dean kissed his way over to his right nipple and repeated the process. Then, he stood back up and pulled Cas _ tiel _ back into a lip-bruising kiss. He walked them over to the bed and then pushed Cas _ tiel _ back onto it roughly. He quickly did away with the other man’s pants and boxers, but he ignored the begging cock as it was revealed. Instead, he took a step back and started undressing himself, his gaze clouded with lust. Once he was naked, he walked back up to the bed and straddled Cas _ tiel _ across his chest.

“Dean, are you sure--”

Dean silenced him by placing a finger over his mouth. “Enough talking.” Cas _ tiel _ nodded, and Dean took away his finger. Then, understanding Dean’s position perfectly clear, he sat up slightly and took the head of Dean’s cock into his mouth. Dean’s eyes fluttered closed as he groaned. “ _ Fuck _ , Cas...” Cas slowly inched his way down Dean’s length until he had him all the way in his mouth, and then he inched his way off just as slowly, just as teasingly. He teased the head, circling it with his tongue before he started repeating the agonizing process over again. But, Dean had nearly had enough of that already, and he gripped Cas’s hair to hold his head still and started thrusting in and out of his mouth. His first few thrusts were shallow to make sure he was okay with this. When Cas reached up and pulled Dean closer, Dean took that as a sign that he was definitely okay with this. So, Dean picked up his pace and started thrusting quickly and deeply into Cas’s mouth. Cas groaned and started massaging Dean’s balls. “ _ Ah _ , shit, Cas,  _ yes _ .” Dean was losing control again, and with the way things were going, he was  _ not  _ going to last long. He gave a couple more thrusts before pulling out of Cas’s mouth and going for a condom and lube. He quickly found both in his suitcase and returned to Cas, lubing up his fingers as he walked back. “Turn over,” he said. 

Cas turned onto his stomach and spread his legs wide for Dean to access. Dean pressed two fingers against Cas’s rim and pushed them in slowly. Cas groaned as he pushed them further and further in. Then, he started fucking him with his fingers, fast and rough. Dean added a third finger for a few thrusts before adding a fourth, and Cas nearly screamed from the pleasure. Dean ripped open the condom and rolled it on quickly. Cas whimpered as his fingers left him, but as Dean pressed against him, his moans of pleasure returned.

Dean pushed his head slowly inside Cas before pushing in all the way in one swift thrust. Dean groaned as he pulled out of that tight heat, almost all the way, before slamming back in. He set a fast, rough pace, and the room filled with noises of both men’s pleasure. Dean’s pace didn’t last long, though. After a few quick, sharp thrusts, he felt himself tighten up, he felt his stomach coil. His thrusts stuttered, and as he drew out and slammed back in one last time, he came. 

“Oh, fuck,  _ Cas! _ ” Dean rode out his orgasm in shallow thrusts into Cas, who started clamping down on Dean and came just moments after him. 

Dean collapsed across Cas’s sweaty back, panting. He laid there still for a few moments before he rolled off of the other man and flopped onto the bed next to him. He stared up at the ceiling as that sweet feeling of regret welled up in him. He shook his head and got up to throw away the condom in the bathroom. He splashed some cold water on his face before returning to Cas _ tiel _ . He was still laying on his stomach on the right side of the bed. Dean clenched his jaw and took his place on the left. 

“Shit, Dean, that was...” Cas _ tiel  _ started but never finished. It seemed that Dean had that effect on him after sex. He could never find the right word right away to describe it.

“Yeah,” Dean breathed out. He kept his eyes on the ceiling, trying to will away his regret.

“Are you all right?” Cas _ tiel _ asked quietly.

Dean took a deep breath and opened his mouth to respond, but the lie that he always had ready died on his lips. “I’m...” He shook his head. “No. No, I’m not.”

It was quiet for a moment, and then, “Look at me.” Dean kept his focus on the ceiling, but a certain demanding hand reached out and gently turned his head to the right. He met sparkling blue eyes unflinchingly. “I really am sorry. You know that, don’t you? You know that in court, I don’t mean to hurt you, that it’s not personal?”

Dean almost laughed. Of course he thought it was about court. “It’s not about that,” he whispered. 

The other man frowned. “What’s on your mind, then?”

Dean looked into those blue eyes for a long time, debating with himself on what to say and how to say it, but he eventually just closed his eyes and shook his head. He turned his head away, back towards the ceiling. “I don’t--I don’t know, Cas.”

“If you want me to leave, I can--” Dean’s head snapped back to Cas.

“What? No! I never said that!”  _ Even though that’s probably the  _ right _ thing to do... _ “I don’t want you to leave. I’m just...” Dean didn’t know how to put his thoughts into words.

Cas smiled sadly. “I’ve never wanted to lose a case more than this.” Dean huffed out a laugh. “I mean, I’m used to defending scumbags, but this guy?” He shook his head. “He’s in a whole nother ballpark.”

Dean yawned before saying, “Yeah, he sure is...” He yawned again, incredibly tired all of a sudden. “Damn, I’m tired.”

“Are you, uh, are you sure you want me to stay?”

Dean knew he should tell him to go, that this whole thing was a mistake, and they should never see each other like this again, but... The thought of Cas leaving, the thought of being alone again sent him into a panic. As much as he hated to admit it, this young, beautiful lawyer had gotten under his skin. “Yes, please stay, Cas,” he said with another yawn. His eyes drooped closed, and he fell asleep quickly after that. 

Just as he was drifting off to a peaceful sleep, he heard, “Okay, Dean, I’ll stay,” and he fell asleep with a small smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the reason why I kept referring to Cas as "Castiel" with an emphasis on the "tiel" in this chapter was to show how Dean is trying to keep his relationship with him professional, and in the end, when he's not really thinking clearly (b/c of the sex and all), he reverts back to "Cas." 
> 
> I hope that makes sense... 
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it has been a lonnnnng time since I've updated this. Sorry about that. I've had terrible writer's block for it, and I was taken over by the stetopher fandom, so lo siento. Hope you like this chapter... It went a bit darker than I intended, but this whole fic is pretty dark, so...
> 
> Enjoy!

Dean couldn’t move. A warm, heavy weight was on top of him. He took a deep breath in, but he could barely breath as it was. He opened his eyes and found it was still dark in the hotel room. An arm was thrown across his collarbone, and half of his body was covered with Cas’. He could hear the other man’s soft snores in his ear. A pang of disgust hit Dean’s chest. 

Clenching his jaw, he gently moved Cas’ arm so that it wasn’t on top of him, and he eased his way out of bed. He stood over the bed for a few seconds to make sure he didn’t wake the other man. When Cas just buried his face deeper into his pillow and continued to snore, Dean breathed a sigh of relief and went to the bathroom. There, he started the shower, stepping in before it was hot, willing the cold water to wash away his regret.

*****

Cas woke up to the sound of water running. He stretched his arm out to the side, but he found the other side of the bed empty. He frowned and pushed himself up to his elbows. Dean was nowhere in sight, but he could see light coming out from under the bathroom door. Cas got out of bed and went to the bathroom. He knocked on the door, but when no answer came, he went in. The sound of running water grew louder as the door opened, but Cas could hear something else…  _ Sobbing? _

Cas stood in front of the shower and saw Dean’s shadow in the curtain. His shoulders shook up and down with his sobs. It pained Cas to see him this way, though he barely knew him.

“Dean?” He said gently.

Dean’s shoulders stopped shaking. “What are you doing in here?” He asked.

What  _ was _ he doing in here? “Um…” he trailed off, unsure of what to say.

“Want to join me?” Dean’s voice sounded like it wanted to be suggestive, but it was more soft and gentle than anything else.

Without giving a verbal answer, Cas opened the curtain and stepped in behind Dean, who turned to face him after the curtain closed again. His eyes were red and haunted. Cas swallowed a lump in his throat and stepped closer to him, reaching out and caressing his face. Dean’s eyes closed at the contact, almost as if it pained him. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas whispered.

Dean’s eyes opened, and Cas’ breath caught at the sight of his green eyes. He knew they were beautiful, they were what drew Cas to him in the first place, but being this close, this intimate with him made them stand out even more. 

Dean released a breath before averting his gaze and saying, “I’ve… It’s been a while since—” he broke off and clenched his jaw.

Cas sought out his eyes, but Dean wouldn’t meet his. “Since what?”

“I’m bi,” he said. “It’s been a while since I’ve been with a man… About fifteen years, in fact.”

_ Fifteen years? But that’s…  _ “Dean,” Cas began, but he didn’t know where he was going with it.

“This is just— it’s not something I usually do, okay?”

“What isn’t?”

“This,” Dean said, gesturing between them. “Talk about myself, my feelings. I don’t do that.”

“Maybe you should.”

Dean released a sound that was like a laugh with no humor. “I think I prefer men typically, but I can’t— I don’t know. Every time I’m  _ with _ a man, I just… I feel dirty.”

Dean shook his head and turned away from Cas, putting his hand against the tiled wall and leaning forward. Cas stepped closer and ran his hands down Dean’s muscular back. He could feel Dean relax at his touch. “Does this feel wrong to you, Dean?” Dean shook his head. Cas pressed a kiss against Dean’s shoulder blade before trailing his lips across his back to the other one. “What about this?” Another head shake. Cas left a trail of kisses down the center of Dean’s back, and when he reached the small of his back, Dean let out a gasp. Cas knelt behind him with his hands on his hips. “There’s nothing wrong about this, Dean. Nothing wrong with feeling pleasure.” Cas kissed his left cheek, and Dean groaned. 

Cas spread his cheeks apart and kissed his hole. Dean’s head fell forward, pressing against his forearm, and he panted as Cas licked gently around his entrance. Cas waited until Dean relaxed before pressing his tongue into him. Dean let out a long moan. “ _ Hnnnng _ , Cas, please.” Cas smirked as best he could considering his position and continued pleasuring Dean. Warm water ran down Dean’s back and onto Cas’ face, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to hear Dean’s moans and mumbled pleas as he showed him that this didn’t have to feel wrong. “Please, Cas, please. I need you. I need—” Dean broke off with a loud groan as Cas added a finger to the mix. It was bound to sting, no lube, but Dean didn’t seem to mind. His hips thrust back against Cas’ mouth as he let out another string of moans and  _ pleases _ . 

Dean let out the most adorable whimper when Cas withdrew his finger and his tongue and stood up. “Don’t move,” Cas whispered. Dean nodded as Cas got out of the shower. Cas ran into the room and searched for lube and a condom. Finally, after rifling through Dean’s shave kit, he found what he needed and returned to the bathroom. Before stepping back into the shower, he rolled on the condom and lubed himself up. Then, he rejoined Dean, who was standing in the same exact position Cas had left him in— face pressed against his forearm, ass waiting for him. Cas stepped up behind him and gripped his hips, allowing his erection to brush across Dean’s crack.

“Cas— I don’t normally— I’m not sure about this.” Suddenly, Dean sounded nervous, and Cas took a small step back.

“If you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to.”

It was quiet for a moment, the only sound coming from the spray of the shower. Dean straightened up and turned to face Cas. He stepped closer to him with a nervous expression on his face. Cas wondered for a moment if he’d been to presumptuous, too pushy, and then Dean kissed him. And  _ damn _ did this man know how to kiss. Cas’ knees went weak, and he gripped Dean’s shoulders to stay on his feet. Dean licked into his mouth, and when their tongues met, it was like they ignited a fire in their mouths. Dean groaned into Cas’ mouth, sending blood straight to Cas’ already painfully hard cock. He ran his hands over Cas’ torso before gripping his hips and pulling him closer to him. Cas moaned as their hard cocks rubbed against one another. Dean broke the kiss with a gasp. 

“I want you, Cas. Please,” he said before kissing Cas briefly. “Not here,” he whispered, planting a lazy kiss to Cas’ temple. Cas nodded, and Dean reached behind him to shut the water off. 

Dripping wet, they stepped out of the shower, but Dean took Cas’ hand before he had a chance to towel off and dragged him back into the bedroom. He pulled him back into a kiss as they neared the bed, and Cas gently pushed him back onto it, breaking the kiss. Dean looked up at him again with that nervous expression on his face, and Cas said again, “Dean, if you don’t want to—”

“I want to,” Dean cut him off with a breath.

Cas nodded as he settled himself between Dean’s legs. He gave Dean a gentle kiss before doing anything else, trying to calm his nerves. 

Dean broke the kiss, looking into Cas’ eyes and said, “I’m ready.”

Cas nodded and aligned himself with Dean’s entrance. He pushed in slowly, and Dean groaned, a mix of pleasure and pain. Cas gave him a moment to adjust before pushing in deeper. He kept up that routine until he was all the way in. Dean was breathing heavily, eyes wide, and Cas stayed still, allowing him to get used to the feel of someone inside him. He feathered kisses along Dean’s neck and collarbone, making sure Dean felt good and safe. After a few moments, Dean squirmed underneath Cas, silently telling him he was ready for him to move. Cas pulled out and gave a shallow thrust into Dean. Dean gasped and closed his eyes, turning his head to the side. Cas repeated his motion, this time pulling out a little farther and pushing in a little deeper. Dean gasped again, but Cas couldn’t quite tell if it was a pleasurable sound.

So he stopped and said, “Dean?” He was breathless; being inside Dean felt too good, too tight, he was bound to blow as soon as they got a real pace going, but it wouldn’t feel good if Dean didn’t feel good too. “Are you okay?”

Dean had his head turned to the side, eyes squeezed shut, but he slowly turned his head back towards Cas at his question. From the tiny amount of light in the room, Cas caught sight of wet streaks along Dean’s cheeks. His eyes opened, and Cas found them to be red-rimmed again. “I’m sorry,” he croaked.

Cas shook his head. “There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he said as he gently pulled out of him and rolled to lay beside him. Dean released a heavy sigh at Cas’ action.

“I thought I was okay. I wanted this, but—” He cut himself off. Cas shook his head again as he pressed a kiss to Dean’s temple.

“It’s okay, Dean. If anyone should be sorry, it’s me. I pushed you when I shouldn’t have.” Dean allowed himself to be pulled into Cas’ arms, and he slowly relaxed into the embrace, curling into Cas. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Cas repeated. Dean’s breathing slowed, and eventually, Cas felt him fall back into sleep. He kept rubbing circles into Dean’s bare back and pressing light kisses to the top of his head until he, too, fell back to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to update this as much as possible, but I can't make any promises. I'm a busy person. Thanks for all your patience!!


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